Over the years people have been impatient with me, for my need to plan and be in control of events.

"Relax," they say,"you can't control everything."

The trouble is I know I can't control anything.

 I have known this since I was seven, when my father, who was close behind me to pick up my month old brother from his cot, pushed me aside in his haste to pick him up and futilely attempt to revive him. I stood there, terrified at his urgency, and it was then I realised that control is all an illusion. Everything is out of our hands.

So since then I have always planned, planned for the best outcome and the worst outcome. It helped me when working at one of the toughest schools in England. Heck, I am even using my super planning skills to organise my cousin's wedding later this year!

But it make me cry that every night, no matter how tired I am that I HAVE to lay out the things for breakfast in the morning. It does help speed things up in the morning, but the world wouldn't end if it didn't. But I can't not do it.

I know just how fragile life is, I. I know how blessed and lucky I am. I know that. I really do.

I just wish I didn't have to record events in three different formats (my i-phone, my wall calendar and my daily diary in case you were interested) so that nothing gets forgotten, so that nothing gets lost.

Because I know how easily things get lost.

And I hate it.