This is what the women looked like

I was clearly drunk when I booked the Bio Hotel Stanglwirt because not only is it astonishingly expensive - I had also booked a suite. I did not realized this when we arrived and looked around and thought ‘this looks a bit expensive’.

I enquired about the price of our room and fortunately they have a first aid station next to reception and I was able to receive immediate treatment for hyperventilation.

Cate said not to worry as I was worth every cent. Actually she said ‘you must be joking’ but I choose to see her in a different and more benevolent light. It is fortunate that I already have my iMac.

But I must say that our room as fabulous and we had our own lounge room with a a fire - which we had going every night. We even had a walk in dressing room which I tried to rent out but could not attract any interest at all.

The hotel has indoor and outdoor swimming pools, spas, indoor tennis courts, a boxing ring and coach, a gigantic gym, an indoor horse riding thingy and has cows living underneath part of it. No - I don’t know why they keep cows but they seem to have a great sense of purpose at that place so I am sure there is a reason. Importantly - they also have a pond with Ducks.

All this in the middle of the Tirol which is certainly one of the most beautiful parts of the country.

There are also lots of really cute girls on the staff and they all wear Dirndls which they say ‘flatter the female figure’. I was not allowed to look at them for fear of having to go back to the first aid station - so focused on the horses and cows.

Cate however apparently paid close attention to the opposite sex and watched a naked man getting into the spa with us (it was a very large spa). She said that his willy was small and that he did not appear to have any pubic hair. It was apparently a disturbing experience for her - made even worse by the fact that the man stood next to her at the buffet that evening while she was selecting a sausage as part of her dinner.

In the hotel there are walls of photos of famous people who have visited. They must be famous as they have no captions so are obviously instantly recognizable to those in the know. I recognized only Niki Lauda, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jimmy Carter. No one asked to take my photo so if you go there don’t bother looking for my picture.

They will however remember me as the man who had an unhealthy interest in the farm animals.