When I was a child and struggling with the spelling of the word "friend," the concept of 'i' before 'e' being the problem, the teacher said gently: "Think of the word 'end' in friend. That's what happens with alot of them they, they end, as in finish." I never forgot how to spell it after that.
In recent months and certainly in the past few weeks I've been thinking about my friendships. One ended recently. I suspect it ended a long time ago, but being me, I'd refused to accept that. It wasn't until I'd received a terse communication from them and for once, I replied in kind. My response was completely devoid of any endearments one would assume would be an integral part of over 20 years of knowing someone. Just like hers was.
I think I spent a good part of last year mourning the loss of what I thought our friendship was, rather than the one sided reality of it.
Afterwards I rang a friend to discuss with her that I'd felt badly and I wondered if I should pursue it further, that I felt like a failure. She replied firmly that it hadn't failed. It had ended.
And just like that, I felt better.
Because the reality is that's what happens sometimes.
I'm not the girl who has had a close group of friends since primary school.
I'm not the girl who has had a close group of friends since High School or since University.
I'm not the girl who is good friends with the neighbours on her street who pop in and out for coffee.
I'm not.
I've wished I was many times.
It's taken me years of agonising and questioning of my self to figure out why I couldn't or didn't sustain those friendships. They were great (mostly) at the time.
But they ended.
Today I have friends and friendships I treasure. These friends range from friends of my family, fellow school mums,work colleagues to friends overseas, living out of state to those I've met online. These are friendships I've "collected" over fifteen years or more.
Sometimes I get surprised though.
During these two weeks where I've been the least available to my own little family, I've been stunned at the kindness of friends I honestly didn't know I had. From the school mums who took my children out to play, to those who cooked meals for us through to my cousin's fiance who dropped EVERYTHING she was doing to virtually live with my children so I could be with my dad, mum and brothers.
These are what I would call "step up" friends. When I needed them they were there for me. I'd do it for them.
And now I know the "end" in friendship is not a bad thing. We all take different paths, and when they converge that's wonderful. It's knowing when to wave good-bye at the diverge points and to be at peace with it.
It feels nice that I have no sting of sadness or bitterness about it.
I suspect shows like "Friends" or "Sex and the City" did a great deal of damage creating unrealistic expectations of what our friendship groups could or should look like.
And mine doesn't.
What about you?