Dear Mr Woog,

I realise that I am not your mother. But until such a time that the Woogettes get a job slinging burgers or washing cars, the task of the Mother's Day gift is solely your responsibility. I am giving you over a week to shift your ass gear and get organised

Now listen up. I ain't no diva. Except when it comes to for Mother's Day. And like every pushy fat mom on Toddlers and Tiaras says "You will need to bring your A-Game."

Any complaining about cost or inconvenience and I will be forced to show you the battle scars all over my body as a result of having babies with you. And that will not end well.

It never does.

I give you my very visual guide to what is and is not acceptable when it comes to showering me with gifts on Sunday the 8th May.