On the cooking show with Nigella Lawson, the end of most episodes shows her furtively tiptoeing to her fridge late at night for a snack, or to eat the leftovers from a feast she created earlier.
Nigella makes this little endeavour seem enticing and tantalising.
Except it isn't.
Not for me at least.
I've made too many of those trips to the fridge to count.
Usually after a "good" day. You know, one of those days where you've counted calories or points. You've written it all down in your food diary.
And then you blow it.
If you've never obsessed over food this will make no sense to you at all.
If birthday parties and celebrations haven't proved to be the equivalent of a total headscrew for you, this won't seem logical.
For YEARS I've dreaded parties in some ways. What will I eat? Can I eat that? Is that a "bad" food? Please waitress can you tell me what's in that? How many calories is in THAT? If I eat that what will the people around me think?
It's EXHAUSTING.
For years I've tracked food, written it down, thought about it constantly.
If I haven't done that, then I've exercised obsessively as a counterbalance to eating whatever the hell I want. Note to self, exercise is great for making me feel better but not a great weight loss tool. At least for me.
I spent alot of time reading Fat Acceptance blogs earlier this year, and whilst I found many of them kind of aggressive in tone, one point that kept coming up over and over. It was that overeating wasn't something that had a quick fix. It is a complex issue. It deserves more attention than buying some diet shakes and hoping they'll be the magic solution.
To me that made sense.
I've been very successful at weight loss in the past so why did I regain it?
Why did food and eating it (or not) take up so much of my thinking time?
So I made the appointment to see a therapist and hypnotherapist.
Since then it's all fallen away.
The weight, the issues, the angst, all of it.
It isn't a quick fix by any means. The hypnotherapy has calmed my anxieties and means that food is no longer a source of stress for me at all.
But I've had to confront other issues as a result.
As my therapist said, once you change a pattern, then other things shift to replace it.
I'm a work in progress.
I still have weight to lose but my attitude towards food has changed.
I liken it to when I first got glasses. I spent a long time marvelling at how the lenses allowed me to see things in focus. I was so damn grateful to be able to see properly. I feel the same about this.
Right now my house is littered with showbags and chocolate from our recent jaunt to the Royal Show. In the past I'd have spent hours thinking about what was in them. Craving it. And if I'm completely truthful in all likelihood, bingeing on it too.
Now I know they are there. That's it. I also know there is cat food in the cupboard and I don't need that either.
I enjoy my 3 healthy meals a day.
That's it.
I haven't eaten any chocolate since I started therapy which was quite a while ago the insatiable craving for it is simply absent.
For the first time since the age of 12 when I was put on a diet I am at peace.
Food isn't bad.
It isn't good.
It's just food.

Firstly, Erika, who inspires my all too irregular posts, has had to move blog addresses because of all kinds of nasty, weird stalker stuff. But she's here and still blogging and inspiring, so maybe drop in for a diet coke after reading this.

Now I know that many people say that you should be healthy for yourself, because you will feel better and look better and I agree with that. But on Saturday I had a revelation. I need to do those things not only for myself but because I have a responsibility to those around me.
And I think others do too.
On Saturday at my Bronze training we had to do board rescues and carries. And it was hard work. I had to help lift and carry some big burly men, including *Bob.*
And they had to carry me.
I thought I would never feel more self conscious than standing in my bathers doing the weekly run, swim run. Turns out I was wrong. Having other people take responsibility for lifting and carrying me was far more confronting.
Before you say that you won't need rescuing from the ocean, because you don't swim, yes you are right.
But if you collapse in a shopping centre or are injured elsewhere, will people be able to lift you? Will they be able to remove you from the scene of an accident if they need to?
Will they be able to safely (for them) put you into a recovery position?
If the answer is no, then it's worth thinking about. And dismissing it as something that won't happen to you is rubbish.
I know too many people who have had terrible things happen to them to duck the very real truth, that I could have an accident or heart attack.
Just look at what happened to my healthy dad and uncle in the space of six short months last year.
I feel I am being responsible for my kids by learning how to be a lifesaver, but I have a broader responsibility to society at large to step in if needed now at the scene of an accident , but also to make sure I don't make any potential gorgeous and handsome rescuers job more difficult by being overweight.
I know I could lose at least 5 more kilos easily. And believe me, when you are carrying or hauling someone it makes a huge difference.
But the thing is this,
I feel better when I'm fit and healthy and well, lighter.
But I'm also reducing the responsibility others have for me.
What about you?

For the past few months I've been on a mission:

• Eat healthier
• Work out
• Lose weight

When I started with HFD last year I had hoped to lose weight. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Sure, I was exercising more and getting in better shape, but I was not paying attention to what I ate. After I stopped hiking with HFD last year I started to gain weight. I wasn't as active, but I didn't change how much I ate and drank. Things were getting ugly, I wasn't fitting in my clothes and I hit 210 lbs! I knew something had to change, but I wasn't sure exactly how to go about it.

A few years ago I lost more than 10 lbs on Body for Life. As Steph would say, I was an animal at that time. Working out 6 days a week, eating 6 meals a day and being completely obsessive about sticking to the plan. I can't do that today. With my work schedule and travel, trying to follow a plan like Body for Life just wasn't going to work for me. So I had to find another way.

I decided it was time to find a personal trainer to help get me on the right path. I got in touch with Jerry Collett, we met during HFD last year and I always liked the way he pushed me during our group hikes to work a little bit harder. In December we started meeting twice a week and I joined a gym so I could work in 3 - 4 more workouts every week. I also joined MyFoodDiary.com to keep track of my how many calories I ate in a day vs. how many calories I expended to help me get a better grasp on how my eating choices affect my weight.

Its been almost 3 months now since I started and it hasn't been easy. I've been trying to eat more often with smaller portions. When I work from home, this is pretty easy, on the road its not. Making good food choices when I am traveling with work is very difficult, especially when I am running to a meeting or to catch a flight. So I have learned to carry food in my backpack when traveling. Usually I have a couple of Clif bars or Lara bars stuffed into my bag for mid-day snacks or, in the worst case, a replacement for a meal. I always avoid the "food" they offer on flights since it is often extremely high in fat and carbs. Airport food isn't much better, though some airports are better than others.

So where do I stand now? As I mentioned, when I started down this pathway I was 210 lbs. At 5'7", that puts my body mass index (BMI) at 32.9, in the obese range. Egads! Now I'm down to 192 lbs with a BMI of 30.1. I was wearing jeans with a 40" waist and they were getting uncomfortable. Now I'm down to a 36" waist — something I haven't worn since early 2002! — with a lot of room, the 34" waist jeans are not too far away. I'm also in a push-up competition with my friend Sandy and some of the HFD team. A few weeks ago I could barely knock out 10 push-ups with bad form. Now I'm up to 30 push-ups and working toward my goal of 100 push-ups in a single set. I'm lifting more weight than I ever have before, hiking faster and longer and generally feeling in much better shape than ever!

I still have a long way to go to my goal of 175 lbs, but I am continuing to lose weight, gain muscle mass and head toward my target.