Randy Myers, 1991 Score "Dream Team" Series

I am constructing a Dream Team of baseball players. When I go to sleep at night, my Dream Team will play baseball games, and I will enjoy them immensely in my slumber. Then I will wake up, and the reality that these players actually split time respectively among many different and competing ballclubs—along with the fact that it is Tuesday and I have to go to work—will be greatly disappointing. Anyway, I am beginning construction of this Dream Team now. The first thing I want is heat.



If it’s heat you want, Randy’s your man.

Cool. You’re in, Randy.

When he comes into a game in the late innings as the Reds’ primary stopper, he hurls fastball after fastball as hard as he can

I like that. Diversity. Effort. It’s decided then—Randy Myers will play the position of “primary stopper” on my Dream Team. “Secondary stopper” will be played by Rollie Fingers and our third base coach will be Kelly Kapowski. This is my dream and I can do what I want.

Always, he has a ferocious look on his face when he peers at a batter.

I can see that. My Dream Team is going to have the most ferocious faces of any other Dream Team ever assembled! They will intimidate each other so much through peering that no actual baseball will be played. Ferocious face-off! I can’t wait to fall asleep later …

He must be doing something right

Was anyone implying he was doing something wrong? Did I miss something?

for he was picked for his first All-Star Game in ‘90

Every year Yao Ming is voted as a starter for the NBA All-Star Game, and he has not played professional basketball in six years. Major League Baseball allows fans to vote as many times as they want, and the managers pick the rest—when Joe Torre was managing All-Star games, the only Yankee he didn’t bring along was Jose Vizcaino—and if someone is injured or just doesn’t feel like going, the league just calls up another player and is like, “Dude, wanna go to the All-Star Game?” All I’m saying is, it bothers me when All-Star games are used as some criteria for greatness. There are one thousand better statistical alternatives to prove why Randy Myers was “doing something right.” Like this:

Exceptionally strong,

Strength.

he is an effervescent type of guy

Effervescence. Scratch that—strong effervescence.

who is somewhat of a character off the field, with a flair for pranks.

In that he has heat, a ferocious face, is strong, effervescent, and will not hesitate to give another player the “hot foot,” Randy Myers encapsulates literally every quality I am looking for in a Dream Team. No other players need apply. Good night.