On a recent plane journey I ended up chatting with a very nice grandmother. We waxed lyrical about our offspring and then she started chatting with my about the concerns she had about her grandchild. It was evident to me that from what she said, this child probably had a particular syndrome that I spent a great deal of my teaching career working with. I gently suggested that maybe further evaluations were needed because with this particular syndrome, early intervention is crucial.
She replied sadly that this was absolutely impossible as the parents in question resolutely refused to acknowledge anything was wrong.
And it got me thinking really hard about what is a very interesting and sensitive issue.
What do you do/say when a family member or friend has child who clearly needs specialist support and isn't getting it?
I have many friends who have children who have special needs, and often they have been my first phone-call when it came to getting evaluations or advice about therapists or therapies for my own offspring. And they have been awesome with their help.
 I have used this blog at length to figure out how best to support my own children when they have faced their own issues requiring support.
I still remember the sick feeling in my stomach when my child's teacher told me my child required intervention and support with their learning issues. But mostly I felt relief because I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what.
We have been very lucky. The type of intervention and support we need is intensive and will in all likelihood be short term.
But what about parents for whom it won't be?
I know many children where the parents have resolutely ignored our pleas for them to seek professional intervention for them. I've been in case meetings where staff were sworn at or verbally abused. It was always made abundantly clear that any difficulties their child faced were of the schools making. Only they weren't.
My very first day of teaching I met a little one who had slipped all the way through primary school without any support or guidance. As a new teacher I wasn't aware of the boundaries set for me at the time. So I earnestly suggested to the parent at pick up after the child's first day at school, they they seek a psychological evaluation at the earliest opportunity. It was evident to me this child was autistic immediately.
I nearly lost my job for my audacity.
The school and I subsequently spent a year trying to get parental permission for an evaluation which was consistently refused. In the meantime this poor child suffered enormously and teachers were reduced to providing them with colouring in pictures because we simply weren't equipped to cope with them at all.
We failed that child.
But so did the parents.
Often times I am as guilty as the next person of being critical of "other people's children." I know I am not the only one.
But what do you say or do when it is evident that it goes beyond "Jane" or "John" being super shy or too aggressive at games?
If I know that child is getting help or support, at that point quite frankly I feel I have no right to say anything because mum/dad are doing their best. And as I know only too well, it takes a long time to find the right solution for a child and sometimes that is simply too hard to talk about.
Do you really say it best if you say nothing at all?
Do you dare risk a friendship?
Or does saying nothing really make you a friend?