I've debated posting this. I've wrestled with being honest about this. But hell, who can it hurt?

1. My eldest son's due date is fast approaching. I'm still mad with you for choosing that date to kill yourself.

2. I'm mad with you because the week before I spoke to you and you kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." You had it all planned out. You KNEW. Why didn't you tell us? We could have stopped you. We could have helped you. We could have done..... anything, except let you do that.

3. You singlehandedly destroyed any joy I get at surprises. I remember being in my little kitchen in the UK with my mum who had flown over as I was due. My dad walked in the kitchen. I thought it was to be there for the birth of his first grandchild. No. It was to tell us you killed yourself. Now anytime I get an unexpected visitor or call, I think it's bad news.
Thanks for that.

4. Because of you, my son decided he didn't want to arrive in this world. Can't say I blame him. Thanks to you, he very nearly died during delivery.

5. You utterly destroyed your own family, nearly destroyed my mum. And those first few weeks of motherhood? the ones I had longed for, ached for? The ones DH and I had to endure painful and invasive tests to achieve? Well I spend those weeping over you. Mourning you. My precious baby son, so hard won, so very loved, missed out on his mother's smile because of you. I hate you for that.

6. You ripped our family apart, set relative against relative. Suicide accuses everyone and in this we were all found wanting. Six years on, the financial mess created by you has only just been cleared up.

But

despite all this, I love you. I know you are around. I know without question you are at peace and happy. And you deserve that. I keep your Minnie Mouse Disneyland t-shirt (the one you loved and everyone else hated) in my car. That way, I feel you are everywhere I go. You were my confidante growing up. Just 12 years older than me. Like the big sister I never had.
I'm helping my (soon to be 6) Master 5 excitedly plan his birthday party. And today? Well I dragged out an old picture of you to put on the mantlepiece.
When my daughter asked me who it was.
I was proud to tell her.
"That was my aunt and godmother. I love her very, very much."