My sister Mrs Ryan called the other day. "Do you fancy a week in Phuket?"

Well yes I do thank you, BUT I have sold exactly NO Advertising space on this bloody blog, Saturdays with SawHole T-shirt sales have gone to shit, I got fired from the morning shift at adultfantastyhouse live-chat and my shoe habit has spiralled out of control.

But it was all arranged. I just put the whole thing on the credit card this morning and now I am ignoring a thousand calls from Mr Woog. I will listen to the messages later.

Now that I have that out of the way, of course a small problem presents itself. How can I lose 20 kilos in 5 weeks. Sitting here typing and drinking coffee is not going to fix that little issue. And swimmers! I need new togs. Something along the line of this.... but in plain black.

I was thinking about this yesterday afternoon while the Divine Ms M and I indulged in a Thai massage, to get into the spirit of it all. As she lay in the booth next to me, making small pops from her bottom and apologising to the masseuse, I was getting put through the wringer. The Thai lady massaging me informed me that I held all my tension in my lower back, particularly my butt. Which now explains perhaps why it is so big. To make it look smaller, I plan on getting a spray tan. I then stumbled across this fantastic invention which will assist me in getting a VERY VERY even coverage.

Remind me to wax before I go.

Anyway, in celebration of this upcoming trip, I am giving you the chance to win one of my favourite things! The brilliant Benefit Cosmetics has hooked me up with 3 boxes of my favourite bronzer so you too can look like you have just come back from holidays!
I love this bronzer. There I have said it. It has no glittery shit in it so you do not look like you have just come from Las Vegas partying with Tara Reid. It comes with a great brush contained within the box. But I use a big fooffy one. Sweep it across your forehead, across your cheekbones and a small run down the middle of your face and VOILA! Hot to trot.

There are a billion bronzers on the market, but this one is like Bahamas in a Box. Even if you do not win, go treat your pasty face to some Hoola lovin. It is a basic right and should be on the Medicare rebate scheme.

And if you are one of the few who HAS been on holidays with me, please do not mention my addiction to Bacardi Breezers while lying on the beach. I am blaming those fizzy bliss bombs for my fat ass in the first place.