Watching celebrity diets is sort of like watching a train wreck...you know it's going to be painful but you can't quite pull your eyes away from it.

So, new to our shelves is The Black Book of Hollywood Diet Secrets because, as we all know, if only we knew how Cameron Diaz stayed slim we would automatically look like her, right? (Never mind that there ain't a skinny blonde in my gene pool as far back as at least the signing of the Magna Carta.)

So, while we're daydreaming about exercise, we might as well look at how to LOOK like a star. Depending on who you want to look like, in no particular order, here are some tips from the book (parenthetical comments by yours truly because I can't help myself):

* Wanna look like John Cusack? Don't eat any white foods (not a bad strategy, actually).

* Oprah or Rachael Ray? Both drink Wulong Slimming Tea. (Wonder why they don't look more alike?)

* Heidi Klum or Cindy Crawford? Sip vinegar before dinner to kill your hunger pangs. (Wonder what it does to your kidneys?)

* Jessica Simpson? Detox with So-Cal cleanse, a trendy detox product. (Wonder if she's ever tried maltitol-sweetened chocolate?)

* Sharon Stone? Eat prunes to ease bloating and prevent wrinkles. (Would that be FACIAL wrinkles?)

* Demi Moore? Eat apples with peanut butter. (All day long?)

* Jennifer Lopez? Sniff grapefruit oil, which "affects your liver enzymes, which causes fats to be broken down and burn off." (I honestly couldn't make this stuff up--I ain't that clever.)

* Owen Wilson? A daily dose of asparagus and parsley, natural diuretics that diminish bloating. (Doesn't do much for mood enhancement, apparently. Okay, sorry, low blow.)

* Matthew McConaughey? Brush your teeth after every single bite of food--he carries his toothbrush to restaurants with him. Apparently, the fresh minty taste signals your brain that you are full. (My brain isn't that stupid.)

* Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson? The Cookie Diet. (Must be an American Idol thing. Wonder if I could suddenly carry a tune if I tried it?)

* Lindsay Lohan? Drinks soya in her coffee. (If you want to be like Lindsay, you have bigger problems than weight, IMHO.)

* Gwyneth Paltrow? Drinks dandelion tea as a diuretic. (And you, too, can look pale, ethereal and moderately anorexic.)

* Paris Hilton? Says avoid diet soda. (Please see extraneous comments about Lindsay Lohan.)

* Renee Zellweger? Hiking. (And what fun is that? I'd rather try sniffing vials of grapefruit oil.)

* Reese Witherspoon? Walk backward to tone your calves while carrying five-pound weights. (Yep, that would be me--great calves, porky body.)

* Julia Roberts? Knits--keeps her hands busy and mind occupied. (I quilt and it hasn't done a thing for me.)

* Kate Beckinsale? No starchy carbs after sundown. (Must make you grow fangs or something.)

* Gwen Stefani? Wear wedges--they make you look thinnest of all shoes.

Gotta go now--time to shop for shoes!