Thank the Lord! They have finally found Noah’s Ark.

Well…they are 99.9% sure it is Noah’s Ark. Ah - but my experience has been that that missing 0.1% is the fly in the ointment every time – especially when those pesky archaeologists get involved and cast a more critical eye over the wonderful finds of the Evangelical Christian filmmakers - who are always on the scene first.

But let’s not be churlish. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. They say that there are shelves and straw (straw?) and I am really hanging out to see where the beetles were. As I have mentioned previously (I have a beetle fetish) there are more than 350,000 species of beetle and it must have been a devil of a job to collect a pair of each and bed them down in the ark - and keep the little blighters together - and in pairs - for 40 days.

No doubt Noah did beetle-sexing 101 at college while he was also doing carpentry to work out how to build a wooden boat the size of Staten Island. But I am being flippant simply because this nonsense makes me want to vomit.

And – just what we needed. British scientist Stephen Hawking has said that ‘Aliens may exist but mankind should avoid contact with them as the consequences could be devastating. If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans," the astrophysicist said in a new television series, according to British media reports. On the probability of alien life existing, he says: "To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational.”

Oh Excellent! That’s just fabulous! Thank you very bloody much Stephen.

Not that we don’t have enough trouble with Sarah Palin and Arizona and Glenn Beck and the Tea Party and the fucking Republican Party you have to go and wake up all the bloody UFO and Alien ratbags who will emerge blinking into the sunlight scratching their fat hairy asses and shouting ‘ We told you – there are aliens – Stephen Hawking says so’.

Brilliant. More clattering of empty heads and flapping jaws across the airwaves adding to the cacophony of vacuous honking shouting nonsense that now passes for information and debate in America.

I see vistas of new sightings on YouTube, whirling silvers disks whizzing across the sky. Area 51 will be festooned with tents full of stark raving loonies hunting for alien husks. There will be prayer meetings asking for deliverance from the alien hordes (and for money).

The steaming nitwit who runs The Rapture site will sharpen his keyboard and think of another bilious colour he can add to a site that you cannot look at unless you have taken Travacalm.

John McCain will tell us that any Aliens found in Arizona will damn well better have ID papers or they will end up in the slammer.

It’s all too much....I can't go on...until next week.