This is on the bottom of every box of 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter. But did you notice who makes up Relics: Group B? 
That's right. Woolly Mammoth. If we just suspend disbelief for a second, why does Mr. Woolly Mammoth get his own Group?
[phone rings]
Topps HQ: Hello?
W.M.'s Agent: Hi Jack, it's Herb. Look, Woolly's not feeling so good. He's not gonna be able to make it. He's tellin' me it's food poisoning or something.
Topps HQ: Herb, tell me you're kidding. Don't pull a Pete Rose on me now, buddy. Not now. Look, we got Megalodon to reschedule for this. And Abe Lincoln's people have been on my ass all week. Just give Mammoth an Alka Seltzer or something and tell him to be a man.
W.M.'s Agent: Jack, I'm telling you. He's in a foul mood. For one thing, the Four Seasons has already told me they're gonna charge us extra for the housekeeping. This New York weather is absolutely killing Woolly's fur. It's just coming off all over everything... Look, can't we just do it another day? How about Saturday?
Topps HQ: Herb, no. First of all, Eisner wants to be there, and he doesn't come in on the weekends. Second, do you want to take Mammoth down Broadway on a Saturday? Don't kid me, Herb. Let's not even go there. Third, Mammoth's gonna get out of bed and be down here tomorrow with the rest of Group A, so there's no point in discussing it further... Herb? You still with me?
[muffled talking on the other end. Woolly Mammoth takes the phone]
Woolly Mammoth: Now you listen to me, you little shit! You ever eat sushi on a Monday? No? Let me tell you something––don't do it! Herbie's been in here laying down newspaper all afternoon, God bless him. I'm not going down there tomorrow, I don't care who you got to reschedule. I ain't even getting out of bed. Megalodon can kiss my big furry ass! Herbie! You talk to him.
W.M.'s Agent: Look, Jack. You see what I mean? You don't want him in there tomorrow.
Topps HQ: Fine Herb, fine! We gotta make it Monday then. I'll book a sketch artist. Make sure Mammoth's there 10AM sharp. No bullshit on this Herb. We got a waiting list on this one that we'll tap if there's another screwup like this.
W.M.'s Agent: Great Jack. No problems. 10AM Monday it is.
Topps HQ: [sigh] OK... I guess we'll just have to call it 'Group B...'
[another phone rings in Topps HQ office]
Topps HQ: Herb, I gotta take this... Now Lincoln wants to bring his own makeup artist... Goddamn it...
***
(2 years ago I did a 6-Pack Analysis of 1989 Donruss. I think it's high time we brought that idea back. Starting later tonight: 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter 6-Pack Analysis.)
Yeah, I know. I haven't posted lately. But I have good reason: I've been busy. First, I moved out of my apartment. Second, I've been fleshing out the idea of 'ToppsWorld.' I've got it separated into five zones (like Disney World's 'lands' concept): HQ New York (or simply 'New York'); WizKidZone; Parallel Universe; Training Camp; and Duryealand. There would also be an open-air bus that would connect all four parts, the Bazooka Tram. Finally, the park would be rounded out by the on-premises hotel, Chez O Pee Chee.
Park Checklist for 'ToppsWorld'
HQ New York
The Haunted Vault
Brooklyn: Topps Museum & Hall of Fame
Garbage Pail Alley
Don't Get Dumped! (water ride, each car is shaped like a case of High-Series 1952 Topps)
Mr. Mantle's Wild Ride
A-Rod's Bullshit Home Run Sidewalk (500 squares of cement with a different number on each one)
Hero Parade (every day at 11am)
Heritage Cafe (restaurant)
The Warehouse (store)
Connects to other areas and Chez O Pee Chee via Bazooka Tram
WizKidZone
Push Pops Candy A-Go-Go
Dr. Shorin's Mixed-Up Wacky Package Fun House
HeroClix Something Or Other Ball Pit
Bowman Town (rides for small kids; Canadian-themed)
All Star Rookies (restaurant)
Topps of the Class (store)
Connects to other areas and Chez O Pee Chee via Bazooka Tram
Parallel Universe
Refractor Mountain
Sequentially-Numbered Experience
Escape From eTopps!
Chrome (restaurant)
Rip Party (store)
Connects to other areas and Chez O Pee Chee via Bazooka Tram
Training Camp
The Dotted Line (make your own card, sign a fake contract)
Topps Hero Village (batting cages, basketball hoop games, football pass exercises, other stuff)
Hey Mister! (get autographs from visiting sports stars and legends, live and in-person!)
Signatures (restaurant)
The Parking Lot (store)
Connects to other areas and Chez O Pee Chee via Bazooka Tram
Duryealand
Dream Street: 1) regular house filled to burst with cards, 2) Swap Meet: trade for special World of Topps cards, 3) Shorin's Candy Shop: olde timey candy shop sells reprint cards in 5 cent packs (also Duryealand restaurant), 4) Topps Factory
The Topps Factory Tour, hosted by animatronic Bazooka Joe (actually partially reprogrammed cast-off Chuck E. Cheese with blond wig, inexplicable eye patch and backwards hat)
Factory Store (largest store on premises)
Connects to other areas and Chez O Pee Chee via Bazooka Tram
Chez O Pee Chee Hotel & Convention Center
XFractor (nightclub on premises)
Mergers'N'Buyouts (store)
Greg Oden's Knee (restaurant/movie theater with lots of legroom)
You may laugh at the idea of 'ToppsWorld' (and it's okay – it's funny), but the more I thought about it this week, the more plausible it became. Especially with Eisner at the helm. Because for all the boom that the baseball card hobby has enjoyed this year, cards have yet to make the jump from 'hobby' to 'mainstream kitsch' (which is really where it should be).
On a related note, Topps has started selling t-shirts on its website. And while that's a fine start, are those same shirts available at stores like Urban Outfitters? Or even Wal-Mart? Cards may be what Topps think it sells, but of course any psychology student can tell you that what Topps sells is much larger than 2.5" x 3.5".
Just you wait and see: after a few years of smart marketing, a pipe dream like 'ToppsWorld' won't seem so far fetched.