Kelly Gruber, 1989 Topps

What’s up, broskies? Grube here. How’s it hangin’? Short and to the left? Ha, ha! Gotcha! Grube style.

Me? Just maxin’ relaxin.’ Spent most of the offseason at the ski lodge in Vail. The ushe. Defeated some lame bros in the Annual Ski Slope Bonanza Tournament. Won it with my signature 360-reverse-spider-twist, but this year I added a little flava to it. Can’t explain it, really. You had to be there. So sweet though.

Some fine females there this year, too. Spent some time chillin’ with a nice chica named Kelly. Hottie. They dubbed us, “Kelly Squared.” Ha, ha. I didn’t really get it –- too mathy -- but, whatever. I told her to head to the T-dot-O-dot to check my swing, ya’ know, but she had to head back to her folks in SoCal. We’ll catch up on the road. What’s that? Details? Bro. For real? You know the Grube doesn’t kiss and tell! Let’s just say…what’d I hit last year? Sixteen home runs? Make it seventeen. Hit me off with hi-fizive! (Slap!)

Couldn’t BE more ready for the 8-to-the-9. This is my year, bro. Been workin’ with some baseball sage dude from like, Guatemala or something. He told me, it’s all in my head, ya’ know? Baseball, man -– it’s an emotional game. Last week he showed me how to catch a ground ball with my feelings. I’m not even thinkin’ anymore out there! Just letting my inner Grube take over. Put me down for 40 ding-dongs this year. Call the President. Tell him the Blue Jays are coming to the White House! I hope he likes birds. Blue ones.

And none of you muchachos better leave me hanging this year! Head out to the ballpark and cheer me on. Make a sign or something. Hey, here’s a good sign for ya’…check it out: “Who’s on third? Gruber!” Ha, ha! Get it? It’s a nod to that old Three Stooges bit where they can’t figure out who’s playing where, so they start hitting each other in the eyes! Hilarious. Plus, I play third base. So it makes sense. Topical, bro.

Anyway, wish me luck! Not that I need it. The Grube’s got this, bros. But still, wish me luck just in case. I like having those vibes on my side, ya’ know? I’ll check you broskies on the flipside, alright? Signing off,

Grube