So here's the thing. I get my car serviced on a regular basis. I work out to keep myself fit in order to keep my mind and body in some kind of shape. I fret about my children for various reasons.
But my marriage?
I let that tick on, and on, and on, without giving it regular checkups.
And I don't put a great deal of thought into it.
Now I'm no expert, but I have been what is euphemistically termed "in the trenches" in my marriage. You know, the times when walking away is (in my mind at least) the best option. And quite a few years ago, for a while, I did. I remember saying to my mother I couldn't imagine having children with my husband and her saying: "Darling I couldn't imagine having them with your father either." For the record, they had six children and are blissfully happily married. But they worked at it.
And on the whole, we have been married pretty happily for coming up on thirteen years now.
But as you all know I like to challenge myself. I like to try new things. So when I read about this challenge, I was interested. I'm not necessarily subscribing to everything this lady is writing about, but I can also testify to the fact that only a few days into the challenge, it is making a remarkable difference to our relationship.
You see, I remember the first date, the efforts we go to to make a good impression. The excitement and the anticipation of seeing each other again.
And I am a firm believer in the fact that you can go back.
Case in point?
Years ago in my first year of teaching I worked in a school. It was a new school. It needed to impress children and parents alike. As a result the management was autocratic and pretty intimidating. I hated it. Did I mention that's where I met Carly? I was a first year out teacher and she was a "rebel" student. Then we moved overseas.
Fast forward 7 years and I came back and ended up back there of all places. I went in to do a day relief for a teacher who then decided he'd rather be a truck driver. I spent 6 months there. I loved it. I was pregnant and treated like gold. Every day was fun for me. And I look back on the school with real fondness. it had changed. So had I.
Now before you say a workplace is NOT the same as a person. I agree. They aren't. But while time does change aspects of people, for instance, I am more patient and tolerant than I used to be, at heart, they remain the same person. I'm still impulsive and passionate.
And that's the person my husband fell in love with. And sometimes we can convince ourselves we never loved them in the first place, when actually we did. We just need to remember why. And I know that in order to remember that I need to behave in a way that reminds him (and me) of the person he fell in love with. I'm not talking submission. I'm talking respect. Because we all need that.
For anyone thinking I'm advocating staying in a marriage where they are unhappy. I'm really not. I'm writing about me. I'm sharing my experience. Because maybe it will help.
What I do think is important is that I don't take that relationship for granted. Because one day our children will leave home. And whilst my children take up alot of my personal space right now I don't want a cavern between me and my husband when they are gone.
I'll update occasionally on how it's going, what works and what doesn't.
I just know that for me, and for our marriage, it needs a regular check up.
I've had enough of ICU to last me a lifetime this year.