Chad Curtis, 1996 Topps
As a Yankee fan, Chad Curtis holds a special place in my heart. I read in Buster Olney’s “Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty” that Curtis irked Derek Jeter by apparently trying to impose his Christian beliefs on the rest of the clubhouse. Eventually Curtis was shipped off. Running a secular clubhouse is just another Jeter intangible that doesn’t show up in the boxscore. In God’s boxscore though, Jeter is 0-for-4 with three errors, but … forgiven!
Coincidentally, Curtis was drafted by the Angels, who, fed up with his angelic ways, traded him to Detroit. Then, this happened:
Chad arrived in a trade 13 days before the season opener,
Wait—he only had two weeks to prepare for playing baseball with a different baseball team? Whhhaaaaaaaattttt????? He must have fell flat on his face!
then did what no other Tiger had since 1987: produce a 20-HR/20-SB season.
Detroit Tigers (in unison): Hi, Chad! Welcome to spring training.
Curtis: Hello, team. This season I am going to hit 20 home runs and also steal 20 bases, so you can run and go tell that.
Tigers: Are you crazy? No Tiger has accomplished such a feat since 1987!
Curtis: Well, 1987 was only eight years ago. Also, 20 is not really a lot. Also, your team is not very good.
Tigers: True, true.
Curtis: Why are you all standing around shirtless, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes?
Tigers: Why? How do YOU prepare for games, Mr. Goodie-two-spikes?
Curtis: God help me.
Even the Angel scout who signed him out of the draft’s 45th round admits he didn’t consider Curtis a prospect, hoping he’d hang around long enough to perhaps develop into a coach.
Angels’ front office executives: Hello, anonymous scout. How did things go during the 45th round today?
Scout: Well, first of all, let me say this—45 rounds is way too many rounds. I mean, I haven’t seen my family in six years.
Executives: …
Scout: Anyway, I grabbed some guy (fumbling through his notes) … Chad Curtis. He’s uh … a pitcher? No. Outfielder? He plays in the outfield somewhere. He’s white, I think. I don’t know. I don’t think he’s very good.
Executives: Okay, interesting. So what you’re telling us is that, you drafted a baseball player to play baseball for us who you do not think will be very good at playing baseball? Do we have that right? May we ask you then, why do we employ you to scout for us?
Scout: Well, I was hoping he’d hang around long enough to develop into a coach.
Executives: Oh, well then, why didn’t you say so! This will put us as frontrunners to win the World Series of Coaching, which isn’t a thing, because you are an idiot.
Scout: C’mon. It’s the 45th round!
Executives: Is there a definite amount of time that Mr. Curtis must “hang around” as a player in order to develop into a coach? We were not aware that coaching baseball at any level required major league experience.
Scout: I’m leaving. You guys are jerks.
Executives: Wait! Don’t go! Who will draft us a potential equipment manager in the 46th round? (They all give each other hi-fives. End scene.)
