Sometimes I like to say: ‘gosh darn it’ those are not the exact words I use ;) let’s just go have some FUN.

The current craze for the offspring is something called gogo's. Frankly I have no idea what their purpose actually is, but it seems to create animated discussion and entertainment for extended periods. As a parent this is always good news.
Miss Medium came home recently from school clearly flustered and out of sorts. A quiet chat helped me to uncover the fact that her attempts to trade said gogos were being met with utter failure. She'd seen her older brother do it successfully and couldn't understand why the other kids didn't want to do it with her as well.
I died a little bit inside, as one always does when your child faces rejection or things don't work out the way one hopes.
But this is life isn't it?
A recent attempt at bootcamp ended in failure for me. There were 2 other pairs at it and a perfectly nice coach. They were all warm and friendly, but I knew I didn't really belong there. More a 'it's not you, it's me scenario.'
An attempt to befriend some parents in one of the kid's yeargroup last year ended similarly, when it was made clear time and time again that I wasn't part of the social scene and there were no plans to include me in it either. More a 'it's not me, it's you.'
Strangely enough, none of these things wounded me the way they would have previously. Therapy has helped me learn to like me more. I've relaxed and embraced the fact that I don't have to like or appreciate everyone either.
That's life.
It's okay to walk away and to accept that sometimes others won't like us as much as we'd hoped.
So my starry eyed daughter and I chatted for a while.
And she's decided to collect stickers instead. Some of her friends do that too.
And me? I have wonderful friends. From the one who came for a coffee yesterday bearing DELICIOUS slice and flowers with whom I can share pretty much anything, through to those I skype with regularly. There's no sense of anxiety or having to try. It just is.
And it's wonderful.
And bootcamp?
Well I am ever the optimist about finding an exercise group I can enjoy.
It's out there.
I'm just not going to try too hard to find it.
Because it just isn't meant to be so much work.

The topic for news this week is 'When I grow up I'd like to be....'
Not unnaturally this has prompted much angst for Miss Medium who has flitted between wanting to be a dress up fairy for children's parties, through to a famous artist who draws flowers.
Warms the heart doesn't it?
So yesterday we sat together working out which career path to choose as my other son navigated the perils of his times tables.
In desperation I asked her what the other children had talked about. All fairly standard career paths.
Then she mentioned *Freddy.*
Freddy apparently wants to be a robber when he grows up and to steal stuff and do graffiti.
While I calmly made a mental note that to suggest to her teacher she might want to check these talks first, I then had to answer some very awkward questions.
You know, what 'tagging' is, why do robbers steal stuff? will they steal our stuff?  and the pearler 'Mum I'm scared of robbers.'
Having experienced various burglaries as a child, I'm not wild about them either.
Thanks Freddy.
And then Miss Medium announced she'd changed her mind.
Again.
Inwardly I prayed it wasn't to be a hooker or something else equally wondrous.
Nope.
Ballerina apparently.
Judging from what I've read about 'Black Swan' I think I'd prefer her to be a robber.

Image courtesy here

I read a post about this some months ago and it stayed with me ever since. The writer talked about fuel and filler. I knew exactly what she meant. I refer to them as "mundane" and "magic" moments.
I need the magic to counter balance the many mundane moments. You know, the ones where the constant low grade grizzling of an over tired toddler just grinds you down on an industrial scale, or the tears that flow from a daughter for whom waterworks come as easily as breathing.
The mundane is the after school reading, it's the dinner preparation and the battle to get them to "JUST EAT YOUR GREENS dammit ,"and it's making the lunches for school the next day even though I'm tired but I know if I don't make then it will be even more rushed and stressful than it already is. And so  I frantically scrabble through the fridge to find something to put in the sandwich that isn't vegemite. Again.
The older I get the more I've learned that I need to create my own magic. The effort is often worth the result. The escape with my husband and parents to a Christmas cookery course. It's throwing caution to the wind and enjoying some delicious sparkling wine and toasting a friend's fabulous and richly deserved success.

It's the going for a run when the frustrations with a world I can't control overcomes me. On the run the magic courses through me and suddenly I'm all powerful. I'm in charge. I let my thoughts run riot and words that were swirling in my head magically dissipate and all there is left is calm. Focus and calm.
And I'm not looking at here anymore.


I'm looking  here.

And up there?
That's where the magic is.
And I can go home again to face the mundane and know that there will be magic again.
Very soon.

During a chat with a girlfriend recently she asked me if I: "was done" A little taken aback I replied that truthfully I wasn't sure.
By done, we were of course, referring to having children. Our chat got me thinking about the often times painful subject of having/not having children and how do you know you are done?
Because I honestly don't. Right now I know I couldn't cope with another baby, but the thought of not having the option to maybe, just maybe have one later, hurts my heart.
I think having had three children under the age of five was a huge challenge, for me at least. Whilst I coped at the time, I like the idea of having a baby when the others a bit older and "being in the moment" with parenthood a bit more.
That said, the demands of my children are increasing with age so truthfully I can't say if we will ever add to our family, or if it's just a little fantasy I like to indulge in from time to time.
Let me also say I know how lucky I am to have my three. I know some people would see me as greedy for wanting more. I blame my genes. One side of my family were Irish peasant farmers so the need to have many offspring  is definitely a by product of my heritage. That, and the fact that I LOVE babies.

A fellow blogger is in the mire right now waiting to see if she can even "start" her much longed for family, while yet another is now writing her story from the perspective of living her life child free, after years of trying to start a family. I guess those are two stories from the opposite ends of the spectrum.
I know there are people who are happy with their one child and equally there are those who just keep having them, like the Duggar family. Equally, sometimes there are babies that come along despite taking every precaution known to man.
What I'm curious about is, when do you know your family is complete? Is the desire for more children gone? Are there outside circumstances that essentially make the decision for you so its taken out of your hands? Is it the children you have the make you decide that for whatever reason it wouldn't be fair to have more?
Are you done?
How do you know?
Will I know?

I took one look at her pale face this afternoon when I picked her up from school and cancelled swimming lessons. Yes they've been paid for, and yes she has terrific teachers, but I know my daughter better than she knows herself. So my offspring and I spent the afternoon sprawled on the couch watching Disney movies. We ate dinner there. I ran them a bath and we sang songs in it. And then I read them "Goosey Lucy" and tried to keep my voice steady at the sad bits failing miserably. Afterwards we said a little prayer together and I tucked her into bed clutching her worn out stuffed elephant "Lumpy." And I checked on her just now and she's fast asleep.
We never do that. We rarely watch tv during the week simply because we're too busy. We always eat dinner at the table and usually we have some homework time.
But not tonight. Boundaries are great, so are routines. But if parenthood has taught me anything, there are no absolutes.
I know that as her parent I did the right thing. I spend much of my time trying to do that. Not always succeeding.
My sweet daughter is very bright. Where I struggled enormously with my son in developing his literacy and numeracy skills, my daughter sails through it all. But where my son is calmer in personality, she is highly strung.
And I knew when I picked her up today that if I'd carried out our planned agenda we would have had a meltdown of catastrophic proportions.
Growing up with so many younger brothers, my joy was unbounded when I delivered my little girl. In fact, as I was wheeled out of theatre back to my room, I remember chanting over and over to my husband: "We made a girl!, We made a girl!"
I have shamelessly indulged her love of all things pink and purple, her love of dressing up because I knew it would be temporary. That one day, she would put away those things.
Yesterday I caught her examining one of her fairy skirts and some gauzey wings. She hesitated, then put them away in her drawer. She wore them all the time to kindergarten last year, but I haven't seen them make an appearance this year. So this morning I told her she could dress up as a fairy at home if she wanted too.
And this afternoon she did.
I want her home to be a place she feels safe.
A place where she can be herself.
So this afternoon I got to snuggle up with Tinkerbell while her older brother dressed up in his lion costume. Because he could.
Because I know them better than they know themselves, and with me, they can just be, them.

I cannot believe I haven't done this before now.
I cannot believe it didn't occur to me before now.
But sometimes,
I'm not very smart.
So earlier this week I asked Carly if my family could come and share Christian's sunset with her.
And she said yes, of course.
So after what I can only describe as a frazzling day, I packed up 3 small equally frazzled children and arranged for frazzled Husband to drive straight from work and meet us there.
And once we arrived it was magical.
I met Carly's wonderful parents.
A little boy who had been grumpy all day promptly stripped off and started prancing in the waves.

My husband and I relaxed

Two dear friends caught up and remembered precious loved ones.

Our two little girls danced through the waves

And left holding hands with a new friendship beginning.......

Thank you Christian for all those precious gifts xxxx