I know when I'm exhausted.
The signs are very clear.
This is different to being my "normal" tired where the soundtrack to a Huggies advert makes me cry, or finding the dishwasher hasn't been unpacked AGAIN makes me break out in a round of muffled expletives.
No, this special kind of tired is where I get hysterical. I get the giggles at everything.
Last night my bed resembled a warzone. My husband is away for work again and the children are very unsettled. By 4am I think every single one of my chicklets had visited me nocturnally at least twice.
They all expressed their tender concern for my well being and offered to make me a cup of tea.
Actually that last bit is a lie.
One had a wobbly tooth he had to show me RIGHT NOW (2am)
One had friendship trouble (She's 5, oh dear Lord)
and Mr Small?
Well he was just, you know, checking in.
By 4am however, they were all, I mean ALL piled up in bed with me. And all I could do was muffle my giggles. Because it's been nearly 48 hours now and I don't think I've slept.
AT ALL.
Another case in point regarding my hysteria.
This week on Facebook the idea is that you post up a picture of a famous person you or your family and friends think you look like.
Lots of my friends have posted up pictures of glamorous people and famous beautiful people. It's startling actually how beautiful many of my friends really are. Sigh.
This was my choice.

Now, on the rare occasions I've checked in with Facebook today I've been left comments by concerned family members asking who on earth suggested Susan Boyle as my doppelganger. Kind friends have posted up alternatives.
And despite the fact that I am earth shatteringly tired I haven't stopped laughing.
Because to me Susan Boyle's excitement and enthusiasm in this photo IS exactly like me.
And hey,
she's laughing all the way to the bank.

I should have RSVP'd to my friend's sons birthday party today.
But I haven't.
I can't seem to make my fingers dial the numbers.
I also needed to keep track of my spending, DH even installed a cute little gizmo on my phone so I could do it when I was actually out shopping.
Guess who had to sit down at lunchtime totting up a loooonnnggg list of receipts so it would all be done for THE MEETING tonight?
I know I should have been more patient with Mr J and Miss B when we did "lesson time" today.
I know I shouldn't have had an afternoon snack today, oh, fine then, if I am being honest, SEVERAL snacks this afternoon!
I know I shouldn't be here blogging right now. I should be mopping up the sand Mr L traipsed through the house a little while ago.
I know all this.
Actually I knew all this at the time several events took place.
So time for a little self examination.
Why am I deliberately sabotaging the dregs of a friendship?
Why am I deliberately sabotaging my good spending plans, eating habits etc that I have worked so hard to put in place?
Plain old fatigue.
I haven't had an unbroken nights sleep in weeks.
But I wouldn't change that for anything.
Because at the end of the day. All these things are fixable, the friendships, myself, the tasks I have to do.
But nothing,
nothing,
scares away the frightening shadows, monsters, teething goblin
better than me.
And nobody can wipe the tears away and murmur the soothing words they need to hear better than me.
They trust me.
They know.

ETA: Floors mopped.
Children bathed and fed a nutritious dinner.
Checked points on afternoon snacking, turns out diet and coke and parmesan stuffed olives are not too deadly after all!
Friend texted and told kids will be coming to party.
Yes texted.
Don't judge me too harshly...like one of Carrie's b/fs on SATC said "I'm not ready for voice on voice contact yet."